Monthly Archives: November 2012

Even More Unlikely than Winning the Lottery

We’ve all heard the probability comparisons: “You’re more likely to die of a flesh-eating bacteria than you are to win the lottery.” A friend of mine wrote that you’re more likely to get struck by lightning while being bitten by a shark on a leap year, than to win the lottery. This morning I read that you’re more likely to be killed by a falling vending machine than to win the lottery (it happens to two persons every year.)

Have these been statistically verified? Are Snopes and Factcheck.org on the ball here?

I suspect not. In which case, we are all free to make up our own incredible odds. For instance (and this may sound more-than-vaguely like a Jeff Foxworthy routine):

  • You’re more likely to watch the Chicago Cubs play in the World Series…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to meet an American teenager who can find Botswana on a map…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to watch Michael Moore hosting a primetime show on FoxNews…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to spot a gay black woman in the crowd at a Republican convention…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to buy a piece of clothing made in the United States…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to see Chuck Schumer avoid a television camera…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to see Microsoft invent something totally on its own…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to see Stephen Colbert break character…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to hear Rush Limbaugh praise Barack Obama…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to go through an entire church service without singing a Chris Tomlin song…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to see Michael Vick go an entire season without getting injured…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to hear Donald Trump admit to being pompous and severely over-rated…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to receive a deduction in your cable bill…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to here Rob Bell described as “too traditional”…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to see Bill¬†Belichick crack a smile…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to see a zombie movie win an Oscar…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to find a Walmart employee receiving full benefits…than you are to win the lottery.
  • You’re more likely to see the Post Office end the year in the black…than you are to win the lottery.
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The Superiority of Cats

Last Sunday, my pastor talked some about creation order, including Paul’s teaching that men have authority over women because Adam was created before Eve. And so I mused.

Cats and dogs were created before Adam. Therefore, our pets should have authority over us humanoids.

However, while dogs are too dumb to understand this, cats are fully aware of their authority and exercise it with reckless abandon. Cats, indeed, should be worshipped. And they know it.

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That’s Your Incentive?

George Zimmerman, the man charged in the Trayvon Martin shooting in Florida, is running out of money. So his defense fund is offering a deal: if you contribute to his fund, you’ll receive a Thank You card personally signed by Zimmerman. And so I’m thinking, why exactly do they think I want Zimmerman’s autograph?

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Criminals of a Different Feather

It was news that on Monday, there were no reported shootings or stabbings in New York City. Maybe the inactivity of Congress (a different breed of criminals) is setting an oddly positive example.

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More on the Great Global Warming Hoax

Wow, this is interesting. According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, we’ve had 332 consecutive months of above-average temperatures (compared to the average for the 20th Century). The last month with a colder-than-normal temperature was February 1985.

So, if you are 27 or younger, you have never experienced a month that was colder than normal.

During the past year, every land mass across the globe experienced warmer-than-average temperatures except for two places–Alaska, and the eastern tip of Russia.

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Time Lapse of Every Nuclear Explosion since 1945

This is a mesmerizing time-lapse map of the 2053 nuclear explosions–all but two of them tests–since 1945. It really picks up in the 1960s. You see an icon for each country as they begin testing–first the US, then Russia, followed by England, France, China, and finally Pakistan–with a running total for each country (about half of the explosions were done by the US). It’s about 15 minutes long, but fascinating. You see where each explosion occurred (lots in the South Pacific by the US and France).

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Greetings from Maryland. Please Send Us $40.

Pam got a letter from the State of Maryland. Seems that earlier in November, somebody driving her car was speeding–going 42 in a 30mph zone. The automated speed trap on this busy four-lane road, with no construction in sight, took four photos of the vehicle. One clearly shows the license plate number. Another shows an unidentified guy driving the car, a guy who, upon close examination, could be…me.

Yes, in the dark of night while driving in an unfamiliar city on the edge of Washington DC, I stumbled into a cowardly speed trap. In so doing, I ruined my wife’s heretofore perfect driving record. Fortunately, the citation said it wouldn’t affect points or insurance. All they wanted was $40…which, as speeding tickets go, is pretty cheap.

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College Football Humor

I like rivalry jokes. These ones are crafted around university football programs. For many of them, you can insert the name of whatever college you dislike. Enjoy.

Q: Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
A: So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

Q: Why do Oklahoma fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you say to a University of Miami football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise.”

Q: How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

Q: If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
A: The police officer.

Q: How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
A: There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a former Ohio State football player off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Louisville football player’s life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: How many LSU football players does it take to change a tire?
A: One, but he gets 3 credit hours.

Q: Why was O.J. trying to escape to Indiana?
A: Police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.

Q: Why do Colorado football players like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: What does the “N” on the helmets for the University of Nebraska stand for?
A: “Nowledge.”

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Reinterpretation

Leviticus 20:13 says, “A man who lays with another man should be stoned.” Which explains why states passed ballot initiatives on both gay marriage and marijuana.

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Religious Make-up of the New Congress

Some interesting stats about the religious make-up of the new Congress from CNN’s Belief Blog.

  • 87% of Congresspesons are categorized as “Christian,” compared to 70% of the general population.
  • Among members of Congress, 69% of Republicans are Protestant, compared to 43% of Democrats.
  • Protestants are over-represented in Congress. They make up 48% of the general population, but account for 56% of Congress.
  • 36% of Democratic Congressmen are Catholics, compared to 25% of Republicans.
  • 20% of Americans claim no religious affiliation, but only one Congressman (Krysten Sinema, a Democrat from Arizona) is a “none.” So the religiously unaffiliated are extremely under-represented
  • 15 members are Mormons–12 Republicans and 3 Democrats.
  • 31 of the 32 Jewish members of Congress are Democrats
  • All of the Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist members of Congress are Democrats.
  • Compared to the general population, Democrats have a disproportionately high number of women and members of minority religions.
  • Compared to the general population, Republicans are disproportionately Protestant and male.
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