Monthly Archives: February 2013

And Happily Ever After, Pretty Much

24 years ago today, the light broke through. After five years of dating Pam, I finally got through my thick skull what my parents and others had been telling me–that I was in love and didn’t know it. So on February 15, 1989–intentionally waiting until after Valentines Day, not wanting to do the traditional thing–I asked Pam to marry me. And she said “Yes,” while inwardly thinking, “It’s about time!”

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Better than Roses

Today, most husbands brought home roses for their wives. Me: I brought home a pepperoni-and-ham pizza and breadsticks with cheese sauce from Pizza Junction. Pam agreed that it was much better than flowers.

But I’m haunted by the memory of the guy in the SUV next to me at Pizza Junction, who was waiting on a carry-out pizza. He was holding a vase of roses. So obviously, there is yet another level of Good Husbandship to which I can aspire.

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Marco Rubio and the Poland Connection

poland-spring-water2During his response to the State of the Union address, Senator Marco Rubio paused to take a drink of water–from a Poland Spring bottle. Why is he getting water from Poland, which not too long ago was a communist country? Why isn’t he supporting American water? Are Americans not capable of producing water good enough for Senator Rubio?

Before I would ever vote for him for president, I would want a lot of related questions answered.

  • Does he also eat French fries, and use Italian dressing?
  • For breakfast does he eat English muffins, Danish pastries, Belgian waffles, or French toast?
  • Does he drink Columbian or Irish cream coffee?
  • Does his staff, working out of an office paid for with American taxpayer dollars, ever order out Chinese?

Since he’s not a white guy, and since his parents weren’t even American citizens when he was born, I’m not sure I can trust him to be a real American. In fact, he could very well be a Cuban sleeper agent.

Somewhere, I’ll bet, there is a Cuban birth certificate. I’m guessing Donald Trump is already searching for it.

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What Next?

Kids are now texting in their sleep. The phone chirps (or whatever) to announce an incoming text, they respond to it–maybe sensibly, maybe with gibberish…and in the morning have no memory of it. One writer says, “It’s just like sleepwalking, except you can be really, really mean.”

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Two Guys, Both of Them Always Right

Since Popes traditionally die in office, we’ve only had one infallible person on earth at a time for 700-some years. But I assume that once infallible, always infallible, even if you retire. So, with the selection of a new Pope, we’re looking at the prospect of TWO infallible persons at the same time. What if the two Popes have lunch together, and end up disagreeing about something? Can that even happen? And if it does, should they call in the President of the Mormon Church as an infallible tie-breaker?

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What Am I, a Socialist or Something?

More Things Jesus Never Said: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor.” Pause. “Had you going there, didn’t I? I’m only joshin’. You earned it, it’s yours. Who am I to tell you what to do with your money?” (Matthew 19:21)

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The Night of Empty Promises


So once again we come to the State of the Union Address, otherwise known as the Night of Empty Promises. At least President Obama can grandstand in a much more literate manner than his predecessors. Just looking for redeeming value.

I predict:

  • There will be lots of clapping.
  • Clarence Thomas won’t attend.
  • Mitch McConnell won’t be caught smiling.
  • John Boehner, sitting behind the president, will impart an orange glow.
  • The camera will frequently pan to an over-enthusiastic Nancy Pelosi.
  • On no domestic issues will Democrats and Republicans stand to applaude at the same time.
  • Marco Rubio’s response will be pretty good.
  • Joe Biden will be fighting to stay awake.
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The Schoolbus Conspiracy


The other day, on the way to work, I found myself behind a schoolbus which stopped at EVERY SINGLE ROAD to pick up kids–junior high and high school, by the looks. Took me forever to get out my own addition.

We’re talking entrances to culdesacs just 25 yards apart. What societal forces prevent two able-bodied kids from walking 25 yards to join the two kids from another street, so that the bus can make a single stop?

And then it hit me: It’s all a conspiracy from the oil/auto industry!

Think about it. All of those extra stops means more gas usage–more money in the pockets of Big Oil, and more money going to support terrorist sympathizers in the Middle East, Venezuela and, most insidiously, in Canada.

And then there’s the extra wear-and-tear on buses from the continuous stop-and-go. That means buses wear out more quickly–and thus, more frequent orders to Big Auto for new buses.

Wake up, America!

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Let’s Have Some Respect


When I go to gun & knife shows, like I did this afternoon, I’m disgusted by the anti-Obama T-shirts, bumper stickers, etc. I guess if you’re a gun owner, you’re supposed to despise the president. I’m not in that camp–not as an American, and not as a Christian.

Here are three (out of many) T-shirts I saw vendors selling today: Beavis and Butthead peeing on President Obama, one saying, “We used to hunt communists. Now we elect them president” (do they even really understand what communism is?), and one with a picture of a guy saying “Take That Obama!” while holding up the middle finger.

I wanted to tell those vendors, “I don’t care who he is. You crap on the president, you’re crapping on your country. On MY country.” That’s how I feel.

My friend Nate Edwards nailed my feelings exactly: ”

There’s “making fun of the president,” which is one thing — you know, taking his personality traits and questionable policies and bashing him with jokes grown from little seeds of truth… But then there’s “hating the president,” which includes no humor, no creativity, no respect, and no decency, and I think that’s what you’re describing. It’s like that bumper sticker I saw on the back of a truck with the Obama “O” logo encircled by a larger red circle with a line through that, and, next to it, text reading “Don’t Re-Nig in 2012.”

Really? There are a lot of things to make fun of with this guy… His apparent lack of emotion in speeches, his very questionable drone warfare policy, his big ears, the fact that he was a lawyer and a law professor (I mean… so many lawyer jokes…), and all of those would be funny because of the seed of truth. But middle fingers, Calvin peeing on the president’s logo… it’s kind of disgusting and embarrassing. I have never seen such distasteful displays against a president in my short time here on earth.”

Indeed, there is much to criticize President Obama about, and to joke and even mock about. I could give you a long list of personal beefs. But hateful ridicule? There’s no place for that.

I certainly disliked a lot of things George Bush did. But he was still my president, democratically elected by my fellow citizens (okay, maybe with some help from the Supreme Court). There were people who threw hateful ridicule at Bush, and Clinton was subjected to it throughout his presidency. It’s one thing if it comes from the general populace. It’s quite another thing–a very disturbing thing–when it comes from Christians.

It’s why I won’t let my mind be polluted by folks like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity on the right, and Ed Schultz and Keith Olberman on the left. Garbage in, garbage out.

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Great World Photography

I love really great photography. The Atlantic website recently showed 40 photos, in very large format, from the 2013 Sony World Photography Awards, which attracted 122,000 entries from 170 countries. Many are fascinating. My favorite is the greyhound dog in a race. Also loved the shot of the city of Dubai, the giraffes running, and the forest of poplars.

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