Monthly Archives: October 2015

The Line Outside the Oval Office


You have the president, then the vice president, then the Speaker of the House. There seems to be some confusion as to whether Paul Ryan, as Speaker, is second in line to the President, or third in line. So let’s clear this up.

There is a line at the Porta-Potty. The President is INSIDE the Porta-Potty. Outside are the Vice President, who will enter when the President leaves, and behind him is the Speaker, who is having doubts about how long he can hold it.

The LINE has only two persons. The Vice President is FIRST in line, and the Speaker is SECOND in line. The President is NOT IN THE LINE at all. He is inside, which is where the others want to go, literally.

So the Speaker is not THIRD in line, he’s SECOND in line. Consider yourself informed.

But please don’t ask me to explain how the British royalty system works.

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A Commandment Kids Can Love

<Alert: amateur theological musings ahead.>

As far as I can tell, the Israelites didn’t observe the Sabbath until Moses descended Mt. Sinai with the Ten Commandments. I imagine, as Moses read through the commandments, people accepted the first three as no brainers–no other gods, no idols, no using God’s name in vain. Duh.

Then Moses read the fourth commandment, which was new information.

“What? We can’t do any work on the Sabbath? One day out of seven, we just sit around doing nothing? Are you serious?”

That’s what the adults said. I’m guessing that teens throughout the tribes went, “Awesome! We’ve got the coolest god EVER!”

Every sabbath–no chores. It said so very plainly–you can’t make your sons and daughters do any work. Play time!

That’s what I would have thought, anyway.

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The Untold Danger of Time Travel


I hate to spoil every time travel movie you’ve ever seen, but your misconceptions must be corrected. For the sake of science.

When Michael J. Fox goes back in time in “Back to the Future,” he goes back to the exact same location. Just like what happens in every other time-travel movie. But the thing is, it’s NOT the exact same location. The earth, in its journey around the sun, was not in the same location in 1955 that it was in 1985. It fact, it was millions of miles away the earth’s orbit covers nearly 600 million miles).

So rather than find himself outside the Hill Valley courthouse in 1955 (or 1885 or 2015, depending on the movie), Marty McFly would actually find himself in outer space gasping for air.

This, of course, applies to the Terminator movies, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, miscellaneous Star Trek movies and TV episodes, and the entire “Time Tunnel” TV show from my childhood.

Whether you go back or forward in time, you’ll end up somewhere in the dead of space. So when somebody invites you to take a ride in their time machine, I advise caution. Just my opinion.

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