Category Archives: General silliness

A Merry Starbucks Christmas

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Starbucks is drawing criticism from Christians for putting coffee in plain red cups bearing the Starbucks logo. Although the color indirectly calls attention to Christmas, please DO NOT commend the company, because it doesn’t go far enough–the cups do not include the word “Christmas.” This, obviously, constitutes a total rejection of our Lord.

Therefore, as Christians, we MUST CONDEMN STARBUCKS. This will cause Starbucks employees and customers across the world to want to become Christians. If Starbucks will no longer carry the banner of Christianity, then America is doomed to the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah. So rise up in holy protest against Starbucks in order to fulfill the Great Commission in our lifetime!

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The Untold Danger of Time Travel

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I hate to spoil every time travel movie you’ve ever seen, but your misconceptions must be corrected. For the sake of science.

When Michael J. Fox goes back in time in “Back to the Future,” he goes back to the exact same location. Just like what happens in every other time-travel movie. But the thing is, it’s NOT the exact same location. The earth, in its journey around the sun, was not in the same location in 1955 that it was in 1985. It fact, it was millions of miles away the earth’s orbit covers nearly 600 million miles).

So rather than find himself outside the Hill Valley courthouse in 1955 (or 1885 or 2015, depending on the movie), Marty McFly would actually find himself in outer space gasping for air.

This, of course, applies to the Terminator movies, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, miscellaneous Star Trek movies and TV episodes, and the entire “Time Tunnel” TV show from my childhood.

Whether you go back or forward in time, you’ll end up somewhere in the dead of space. So when somebody invites you to take a ride in their time machine, I advise caution. Just my opinion.

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If God Used Phone Triage Methods

“Dear God….”

Welcome to heaven’s reception desk. Your prayer is important to us. For requests, press 1. For thanksgiving, press 2. For adoration, press 3. For all other prayers, press 4. To hear these options again, press 9.

Press 1.

Your prayer request is important to us. Press 1 if your request relates to physical problems. Press 2 if it relates to money. Press 3 if it relates to family and friends. For all other requests, press 4.

Press 1.

Your physical needs are important to us. If this is a life-threatening situation, press 1. If not life-threatening, press 2. To return to the main menu, press 9.

Press 2.

We are currently experiencing a backlog of requests for physical problems. An angel will be available to help you in approximately [difference voice] 13 [original voice] minutes.

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Income Inequality + Sexism?

I read an alarming statistic: of America’s 67 billionaires, only 10 are women. Clearly, sexism reigns among the One Percent. I believe this calls for affirmative action. Women billionaires should receive a substantial rebate on their taxes, until such time as the numbers even out. For those who are already not paying anything in taxes, like other billionaires, they should get a tax-free subsidy to, I don’t know, buy another Lear Jet or Mediterranean island. We must fight to end this disparity.

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DIY

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If it can’t be fixed with WD40 or duct tape, it probably can’t be fixed. Thus concludes this edition of Life 101.

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A Day (or Week) for Everything Under the Sun

There seems to be a national day or week for everything. In March we have Horse Protection Day (1st), Doodle Day (7th), No Smoking Day (12th), World Kidney Day (13th), Puppy Day (23rd), Purple Day (26th), Skipping Day (28th).

And then we have awareness weeks. In the upcoming months, we have National Stationery Week, Orphan Week, Sleep Awareness Week, Gardening Week, Homeopathy Awareness Week, and much more.

The religious community is missing out on some public relations opportunities. I propose:

  • Wesleyan-Arminian Awareness Week.
  • Substitutionary Atonement Day.
  • Worship Team Appreciation Day.
  • Save the Organ Week.
  • Potluck Appreciation Month.
  • Progressive Sanctification Day.
  • Hermeneutics Sunday.
  • Egalitarian vs. Complementarian Understanding Day.
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Gross!

In Singapore, you can order mashed potatoes from a vending machine. Put in your money, hit some numbers, and hot water pours into some instant mashed potatoes. This goes on my short list of disgusting food items.

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History of the Bell

Taco Bell was started in 1946 by a former Marine named Glen Bell. His first location was called Bell’s Drive-In, and it sold hot dogs.

About six years later he began experimenting with tacos, and eventually opened three stands he called Taco Tias. He rebranded it as “Taco Bell” in 1962. By 1967, there were 100 Taco Bells.

The question is: why do I care? I never eat there.

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Waiting for Nothing to Happen

automatic-towelsI believe federal law should dictate that a sledgehammer be kept beside every automatic hand dryer and towel dispenser in public restrooms. Then, when you wave your hands in front of the thing and nothing happens, you should have every right to grab the sledgehammer and take a swing.

While we’re at it: ditto for automatic faucets.

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Nouns Deserve the Right to be Capitlized

The Principle, clearly established by our Founding Fathers in the Declaration and Constitution, is that absolutely any Noun is a legitimate Candidate for capitalization. Who among Us wants to argue with Thomas Jefferson?

I hereby declare Kate Turabian to be a loathsome communist. Had Joseph McCarthy not been victimized by the CBS/Murrow witchhunt, I’m sure He would have eventually gotten around to calling Kate for her unAmerican over-regulation of our God-given Language.

Why, today, don’t we randomly capitalize Nouns in the midst of Sentences? Who decided that Thomas Jefferson was Wrong? I do think this merits Congressional hearings. This historical Wrong must be Righted.

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