Murphy in the Pew

Although you can escape from the Law of Gravity by blasting into orbit, you can never elude Murphy's Law. Wherever you go, it'll haunt you.

by Steve Dennie

Every day proves the wisdom of Mr. Murphy, who wryly observed, "If anything can go wrong, it will." Numerous rules and principles have sprouted around Murphy's Law, creating a branch of philosophy sometimes called Murphology. You're probably familiar with some Murphologisms. If you haven't heard them, you've at least experienced them. For instance:

  • Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  • Everything takes longer than you think.
  • When things can't get any worse, they will.
  • The other line moves faster.
  • The shortest distance between two points is under repair.
  • If you're feeling good, don't worry--you'll get over it.

When the bottom falls out of your grocery sack and an economy-size mayonnaise jar splatters everywhere, you can do two things: laugh, or cry. Murphy would laugh. When you're late for a meeting and get caught in a traffic jam, you can chuckle, "This is exactly the type of thing Murphy warned me about."

Murphological truths lurk wherever things can go wrong. And that includes church life. Here are some Murphologisms which you've probably seen at work in your own church.

  • The year's lowest attendance occurs when the district superintendent makes a surprise visit.
  • You can't tell a guest speaker by his book.
  • Members living 15 miles away will be early. Members living two houses away will be late.
  • Saying "Let us pray" or singing "Just as I am" causes babies to cry.
  • The last seats to be filled are in the middle of front pews.
  • Slide projectors only work before the service begins.
  • Missionaries all use the same set of slides.
  • The conclusion is the place in his sermon preparation the pastor reached on Saturday night.
  • The longer the sermon, the less chance people will remember it.
  • There is no such thing as a brief sermon.
  • Spending twice the normal amount of time preparing the sermon causes it to bomb.
  • Nobody cares whether or not your five points begin with the same letter.
  • The more expensive the materials, the less the students will like them.
  • Substitute teachers are allowed only 24 hours' notice.
  • The reason everyone is giggling is that the overhead transparency is upside-down.
  • If God had meant for people to do their Sunday school lessons, He would have given them an extra 15 minutes each week.
  • The pastor always has time.
  • Two weeks before the new parsonage is completed, you'll be moved to a different church.
  • Parishioners call only at mealtime.
  • When you're right, nobody remembers. When you're wrong, nobody forgets.
  • The parsonage is public property.
  • The previous pastor will be blamed for everything wrong in the church, until his successor leaves.
  • Nothing is so bad that it can't be made worse by changing pastors.
  • Absent choir members all sing the same part.
  • Laryngitis always begins on Saturday night.
  • No matter how many people show up for practice, you need one more copy of the music.
  • Car problems, overtime, traffic, and headaches increase on visitation night.
  • House numbers are never illuminated or large enough to read.
  • If you can read the number, it's the wrong house.
  • Members are always willing to witness in the past tense.
  • During the 10 minutes it takes to present the Gospel, the phone will ring 27 times.
  • The shorter the agenda, the longer the meeting.
  • The most trivial matters receive the most discussion.
  • The arguments for tabling a motion are always better than those for taking a vote.
  • 95% of the time, the pastor is assigned to implement board decisions. The other 5% of the time, the pastor is sure it won't get done right.
  • A vote to adjourn will pass unanimously.
  • Concern for needy people increases with distance. Corollary: If they live next door, they don't need your concern.
  • A potluck will outdraw Billy Graham any day of the week.
  • All mischief originates with the preacher's kids.
  • Church air conditioners and heaters rest on Sundays.
  • A pastoral search committee can be wrong, but never in doubt.
  • If it doesn't work, it wasn't God's will.
  • Those who can grow churches, do. Those who can't grow churches lead church growth seminars.
  • When in doubt, blame the humanists.

And that's the way it is, folks...sometimes. Fortunately, only sometimes. As one advanced Murphologist observed, "If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will."

This article originally appeared in The United Brethren magazine. It won 2nd place in the Humorous Article category of the Evangelical Press Association's annual awards contest.