Rush Pleads His Case with God

So Rush Limbaugh appears before God, who asks him the question he learned from Evangelism Explosion, “Why should I let you into my heaven?”

Rush: Do you really need to ask? I mean, I’m Rush.

God: Just a formality. Humor me.

Rush: Well, I promoted your cause for 30 years to millions of Americans. Probably more than Billy Graham ever talked to.

God: My cause being….

Rush: The Republican party, of course. Conservative politics. Freedom, democracy and the American way, especially as it relates to the rich people who, by being rich, are obviously your favorite people.

God: As opposed to poor people who I clearly don’t care about, else they wouldn’t be poor.

Rush: Exactly. Like you said in the Bible, “The poor you will always have with you, so just ignore them.”

God: That’s not quite what I said.

Rush: I may be taking some liberties, but I know you don’t mind, if the cause is right. Most people don’t question me.

God: Not used to accountability, are you?

Rush: Nope. That’s why I never let anyone on my show who might question my utterances.

God: Let’s backtrack. You said my cause was the Republican party.

Rush: Or conservative politics, which is embodied in its purest form only in me, but is more likely found among Republicans. Most definitely not among Democrats.

God: So I’m a Republican?

Rush: Very funny. Of course you are. All American Christians know you’re a Republican. At least, all real Christians. Not those phony moderates and liberals who call themselves Christians.

God: Okay, I’ll play along. So what exactly did you do for me?

Rush: I spent three hours every day for over 30 years criticizing people and destroying reputations, even if it meant having to make stuff up about them. We’re talking liberal scum. And I convinced millions of listeners to despise and hate the people I told them to despise and hate.

God: And you’re proud of this.

Rush: Sure. I was quite successful. You wouldn’t believe how many people blindly believed whatever I told them.

God: And that’s a good thing?

Rush: The whole ends-and-means thing. Anything goes, as long as we elect conservatives.

God: So let me get this straight. I want my followers, a holy and separate people, to spend three hours a day listening to somebody do nothing but criticize other people?

Rush: No need to thank me, really.

God: Let me ask you something. If you have an employee there at the EIB Network who is constantly complaining and whining, constantly criticizing, never has anything positive to say–what would you do?

Rush: Probably fire him. Or her. It would probably be a woman, obviously. Can’t have that type of attitude infecting the rest of the staff.

God: But it’s okay for people to listen to you constantly complain and criticize?

Rush: Apples and oranges, God. Not a valid comparison. You know that.

God: I’m not sure I do. Help me with this. You think I want people to subject their minds to continual criticism of other people? That that brings honor to me?

Rush: If I’m criticizing Democrats, sure. Especially [wink] Islamic presidents.

God: In Philippians I tell people, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” You would say that doesn’t apply to the Rush Limbaugh Show, because you are fulfilling a higher purpose?

Rush: Am I missing something here? What’s with the grilling?

God: Just trying to understand why you and your listeners think I approve of how you spent your life.

Rush: It’s not like I’m the only one. Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Dick Morris, Karl Rove, Michele Malkin, Ann Coulter–we’re all dedicated to totally tearing down the opposition.

God: As are Keith Olberman and Ed Shultz.

Rush: I don’t know how anyone can listen to those guys. Constantly criticizing anything Republicans do. Who wants to pollute their minds with that garbage? Why don’t you just send a lightning bolt and fry their sorry you-know-whats?

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